If Someone Says "You Complete Me," RUN! by Whoopi Goldberg

Author:Whoopi Goldberg [GOLDBERG, WHOOPI]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor / Form / Anecdotes & Quotations
Publisher: Hachette Books
Published: 2015-10-13T00:00:00+00:00

As I said, there are big lies and small lies. Technically, I’m not a fan of lies, but there are okay lies. There are lies your kids are going to tell you: “Did you burn that?” “No.”

But if you left a mess in the kitchen, you have to fess up, especially if you’re the only one in the house. If you’re the only person who could have left the mess, you should probably say, “Yeah, I messed it up.”

“Did you take out the garbage?”

“Yes, I did”—and you know you didn’t? Now, do you really want the wrath of the other person who has asked you to do this? Do you want her wrath by lying to her and saying you did it when you didn’t?

No, I can’t think of a great reason to lie—unless you don’t want to be on the phone with somebody. Or if you’re home and you don’t want to talk. Yeah, that’s me. Sometimes people call, and I’ll say in a whispery voice, “Tell them I’m not here.” That is a lie. Now, that’s a lie I can live with, but I’m not in a relationship. I’m not lying to my partner, understand?

Have I ever lied in a relationship? The fact that I got married as often as I did is a lie. I said it earlier in the book, I knew better and I hurt people because I should have said, “This isn’t for me.” So, yes, I have. And that’s why I can say to you you’re better off with the truth.

The other thing about lies is you have to keep track of them, and it’s hard. The older you get, the harder it is, because you can barely remember where you put your keys, your glasses, and your underwear.

That’s what happens when you leave your underwear somewhere and you go home, you change into your clothes and your partner goes, “Where are your underwear?” Now, you can lie and say, “Well, I pooped my pants and I had to take them off.”

But then that person is going to wonder, “Well, why did you poop your pants? Are you okay? Should we go to the hospital? Oh, my God, are you dying?”

Just don’t.

What, this has never happened to you?

So, if you can help it, don’t lie. The sun is brighter, your life is better, and everything is easier and simpler.

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